I am usually a girl that makes BIG decisions on the fly. I rely a lot on my gut. I don’t know about you, but the prospect of not knowing what happens next excites me, elicits in me a spark of inspiration and wonder. It’s like a brand new adventure with nooks and crannies yet to be discovered.
I decided I wanted to be with the man of my dreams forever a week after I met him. I chose the place I wanted to live after one showing. I bought my first home as if i went to buy a pair of shoes at the mall…
Basically, I jump into life’s crazy twists and turns without a harness or a safety net.
I have yet to regret this trait of mine… till now.
A few months ago, I jumped into a career opportunity that was so far out of my comfort zone that for the first time, I felt like I leaped and did not land on solid ground. This, has never happened to me. I have always seemed to flourish in whatever new environment I find myself in. Like water, I take the shape of the vessel I am in. However, it did not pan out this way for me. Everyday I am finding challenges that are chipping away at my resolve instead of lighting a fire within me to take on the new endeavors that are coming my way.
Initially, I had thought…why not? why not leave everything you have learned and become accustomed to and throw caution to the wind. Try something totally new. I knew it would challenge me; this new step. In my life,
I had come to think of working and employment in a very logical way. To me, if I am working for anyone other than myself, I am replaceable. I am just an employee that produces and gets compensated for my work. In my mind I wanted to advance at a quick rate because I felt that in order to get noticed, I must work harder and quicker then the next girl because I wanted to make the money. I used to look at opportunities in the monetary gain department. I took the option that gave me the most money. The Hubzter never understood this. Why do you have to ALWAYS go where the money is? Um… duh.. I want to live the “life”. I want to enjoy the fruits of my labour…. yesterday. Who cares about personal fulfillment?
And this is where I went wrong.
As I sit here, I confess that I made the wrong move. I put money before happiness. I put success before inner satisfaction. And I cannot begin to explain how much regret I feel. and the funny thing is… it’s not even THAT much more money.
Before you freak, I didn’t sell my soul to the devil or anything like that… but I somehow feel like I sold myself short. I took too lightly my passions, and went in a different direction just because I felt like i would make more money in that industry. I was wrong and i thoroughly regret it. In fact, I wish I could take it all back.
Unfortunately, real life does not work that way… I now know what I let go of… and I am going to put my heart and soul back into the search so that THIS TIME… i think a little harder before I throw myself into another twist of life…
Who knows? maybe I’ll redeem myself.