Wait a minute. Has time just sped up or did I miss a train or something because it cannot have been six months since my son was born.
You mean, I have watched him sleep every single day for six months? You mean, I’ve kissed his squishy little cheeks a hundred times a day, for six months? You mean, I’ve fed him, and clothed him and hugged the living day lights out of him for six months?
I have managed to care for a child for a WHOLE SIX MONTHS! MashAllah, the gift of nurture that Allah gives to a mother is truly unimaginable. I know that motherhood was a chapter in life I always wanted to experience, but to imbrace it the way I have, I didn’t expect. I just want to sit here and watch his sleeping face… I want to count the number of lashes that feather his beautiful eyes. I want to stare at this face till he involuntarily smiles in his slumber. I want to mirror the rise and fall of his breathing. I just can’t get enough of him.
Azan can roll over, sit up and grab at balls and small toys now. He recognizes the faces of his family. He especially has a total soft spot for his Nani, my mom. He gives her his toothless squinty eyed smiles and can’t seem to take his hands off her face while she is talking. He responds to my dad’s duck quacks with his million dollar smiles and he loves reading and playing with his NikiMa. But the way this little guy lights up when his dad walks in the door after work is crazy! He throws up his rollie pollie arms and bops up and down in excitement. But my most favourite thing he does is when he intently watches me eat with a longing look on his face like “when do I get the eat that?” And when he tries to drink water out of a mason jar like a big kid.. Sippy cups? No thankyou, he’s going straight to the jars!
I am enjoying the snuggles and the opportunity to stay home with him because I would have such anxiety if I didn’t get to see him all the time. I haven’t always been feeling like myself, but I am coming to realize that the reason why I can’t seem to recognize myself is because I am fundamentally changing. I am going a little easier on myself because of it. But I hope that as I get deeper into motherhood that I don’t doubt my decisions and choices. I hope that I am fair to myself and don’t let guilt swallow me whole when something doesn’t pan out as planned.
I’ve gotten just a ways into parenting and it’s crazy how amazing and demanding it is at the same time. I just hope that Azan thinks I’m a good mommy.
Happy Half Birthday Azu. Ammu loves you!